Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
I was 11 in 1995. President Hinckley was the Prophet of my Youth and I cried hard when he died. My parents were married in the temple in 1977 they were separated in 2003 and divorced soon after. There was much Verbal and Emotional Abuse between them in my family. I was their Counselor whom they did not listen to in their marriage. I tried to keep them together, and also questioned why sometimes they were both still in the relationship- if they were so unwilling to work with one another, and so unhappy with each other. Now, it seems the past is repeating itself- much to my shegrin.
I wanted my marriage to be everything that my parents wasn't; kind, helpful, sweet, soft-spoken, praiseworthy and lovely. I kind of wanted to spite them, to show my marriage could be all the things that theirs wasn't. To show that my future, has nothing to do with their past. No fighting and no I hate you, or bad words being tossed around and yelling and raised voices at one another like my parents did. Unfortunately, it has not been everything I wanted and hoped for. Due to the stress and finance problems we've had- having had a husband not find work for almost 3 years and make a huge career and school change; has been extremely hard. Finding out I can't have more children right now, or for the past 4 and a half almost 5 years- has been the worst part of it. Almost 3 DNC's later and still cannot get pregnant. Intimacy means little now without procreation. It should mean more to me. It should mean that I like my husband and want to be with him, that we are unified; but we are not unified in most things, and being broken- I don't want really to be touched until I can get traded in for new parts; or figure out why I can't have kids and fix it once and for all! But, It just means that i'm broken and can't be fixed. It really breaks my heart.
So many emotions right now. Sorry for not sharing the details you wanted. I am very blessed to have 1 son who is almost 6, I cherish him! I hope that my future and my son's future will be brighter than my parents'.
My Parents cannot be in the same room with one another without feeling some animosity towards one another. Or at least one towards the other. Their Grandchildren will not be able to have them at Weddings, Graduations, Birthday Parties, and Mission Farewells together with other Family Members, without feeling like their is great tension in the air. This is just heart breaking. I want my son to know all his Grandparents. I wish they could just get along with one another and not rob their Grandchildren of a lifestyle of love between families regardless of unwanted outcomes or results.
Regardless of my future in my current relationship, I want my son and any other children I am blessed to have in the future know- that they should have a relationships with all their parents and never feel like they have to choose between one or the other. Mutual Civility should be practiced between Exes with Children. That is what I have to say about the issues between Exes and their Ex-Spouses! Grow Up!
There was a time immediately after my parents separation that I questioned why to ever get married at all, let alone in the Temple of The Lord. I was told all my life that I should prepare to marry in the Temple, and be with my husband forever! Does anyone see oppositional opinions co-existing here? So, my parents want me to get married in the temple; but, what did their Temple Marriage mean to them? They decided to divorce and be the dissolution of their marriage. Wouldn't that naturally make me want to question why in the world would I marry in the first place? Or why did they marry? Was I a mistake? An Accident? Should I go on believing and living like nothing happened to them? Like we area ll just hunky dory happy, and Families are Together Forever? My parents broke their Covenants to one another and God. Whether their was infidelity or not, their was not to my knowledge, they stopped being concerned about the other person. They started being selfish. They didn't want to make the other persons day better, they wanted to make their own day better. They made marriage about individual fulfillment and human rights. Not about cherishing and loving one another and being loving and unified, compromising and saying sorry. Maybe that's what my problem is- I'm too worried about what I'm getting out of it- that what I'm putting into it.
My parents still claim that Temple Marriage is a wonderful thing. Which, it is, and can be. Any marriage whether temple or not- should feel like a Sacred Union between Two People, with the Higher Power at the Top- and the Couple keeping their commitments to one another and their children and their God, or Higher Power.
When marriage feels like a trap, like you are alone in a crowded room with no one to help you and no one who cares- then you are in trouble. I have felt depressed lately due to many changes in our lives. I am no longer working and my husband is, he's finally working yay! After almost 3 years of unemployment he got a job last month!!!!! YAAAAAAY! I'm so proud of him for getting an Internship!!!!! He is not sure of his future in the company and his internship is over August 1. A lot of the discord comes from the unknown, not knowing what will happen in the near future.
He expects dinner right when he gets home and he doesn't want it cooked in the Slow Cooker or the Crock Pot. So, I make Grilled Cheeses or something that is from the freezer like a Chicken Pasta Meal, and lately I tell him he can make it himself, because when I cook he doesn't like it. He's a a better cook than me most of the time anyways. And then because he's hungry and tired and overworked- we get into "battles" as my son calls them. Not a healthy word for a 5 year old boy.
I am going to make dinner now, maybe it will make my husband happier.